Hanafedora - What Is In my Name?

I hate my name.

In the good old days where going to school was about friends and running around playing hide and seek,the boys chasing the girls, period was a taboo, we have to line up outside of our classrom before we start our lesson after recess and the class monitor need to order the whole class to say a simple good morning to the teacher. That is when I hate my name.

I always thought I have a weird name. I hate it because I know it will be pick up among 30 other names from the class list for the one who needs to answer a question from the teacher. I just wish malaysia have the "volunteering culture". That will definitely save me. Mispronounced is a norm. Oh! I hate it when it happens. Some thought its an Italian name, a French name, an English name but most of them claimed its an Indonesian name. I can't be more bothered.

Once in a while I had one or two that I swear I could see their faces turns green as if they wanted to vomit from hearing the name i introduced them to. They thought that I've made up my name so I can make it sound so "mengada'. When I explained to them that is my real name. Their faces turns to shocked. Sometimes I just laugh. Funny.

Actually it was my aunty's idea. She wanted to have a girl so that she can put "Anna fedora" for their child's name. Unfortunately the first 2 childs born was boys. One year after the second born child along came me, my aunt was so excited she gave mommy the name. Those were the days when parents were influenced by an english name due to the long-enough-british occupier here in the country. I even have a friend name "Amanda sabri". Nice name.

But now I realized its beneficial to have such a unique name. My friends remembered me eventhough its been 10 years since I left school. Shopkeeper remembered me so its easy for me to bargain stuff. Teachers and lecturers remembered me making it hard for me to be absent in class that is why I was never absent in my undergrad. The front desk banking people complimented me which sometimes makes my day. Finally, I learn to love it to bits.

Mom and Dad decided to changed it to "Hana' Fedora" because they thought it was so english although my face is as malay as it can be. So there you have it Hana' Fedora. You can call me Hana'.

SO YOU WANT TO DO A PhD?

There's a reason why I want to continue my studies up to PhD level.

Every time when I blurted out to people that I'm going to do my PhD in January 2009 at Imperial College, a college where professionals consider Harvard for engineering, they always have a reaction non other than "You're so hardworking..I would be too lazy to study anymore, I want to earn, to feel my own money with my hands first" . Usually I wouldn't bother myself replying with a long explainable answer. And I've never really sat down at one corner thinking what in the world could possibly possessed me to think that this was a good idea? But I definitely know why.

My friends kept on asking me what am I doing now whilst most of my peers are busy securing their jobs or even better earning cash buying designers handbags and shoes with their own sweats! While me? I'm still filling up any application I bumped into with a status of a student. Not a professional, not even an engineer. Deep down I know. That's Ok!

Once I was talking to a guy with a dependent passport who's wife is studying in London. I told him that I want to be one of the 5 professional, alongside architectures, lawyers, doctors and accountants. He said that is a typical Malay. A typical Malay parents would want their children to be in my position. I told him that this is not because I know one day my Dr title that I'll work my freaking ass off will pay off when I'm older and maturer and experience-wise.


Some people felt that I tried to keep things easy. Simplified my life studying ever like forever as if I am too lazy to find a decent job with my decent degree. But let me tell you this, I'm not ending my continuous long life learning after the title. Even with a PhD I know I still have a long way to go, knowledge to be discover, experience to be improvise. Until one day God says I should rest in peace. PhD does not mean I have every knowledge in the world with me. It is just a benchmark for people to recognize me, to respect me, to acknowledge me. I know I'm taking a baby step. Doing PhD while others already have a working experience for 5 years. Doing research that I won't be using it when I'm working. But it does not matter because it is still a knowledge. I'm putting my life as a continuous long life learning.

Nobody said that PhD is going to be easy. I am doing this because I want to challenged myself. To make things keep on moving. To see to what extend I can push myself. Cliche isn't it?

Everybody have their own way of being different. Have their own idea of how they want their life to be patterned. It's not easy but I know I want to achieve mine. I know you will do to.