On things I do

Some say PhD is the suffering end of a bouldered route. Normally it's merely the highest level of education system one can achieve. The optimist says it's more than that. It's a life where ones discovered ones potential and in the end make a good use to it. The idealist thinks that it can help change the world.

After a few years and still hasn't finished of going through hardship I can't help to sometimes wonder why on earth would I want to do it in the first place. I can understand why I would want to bungee jump, sky dive or swim with the sharks while all the while still wearing my silk hijab but to devote a fraction of my life (read: understatement) to the pain of PhD, unfathomable.

People asked how is it? Really? Genuinely I feel it sucked the life out of me. Moreover that I do it overseas. People don't realised there are a lot of sacrificing involved. I have to managed my own life from A-Z, find my new temporary comfort zone, make friends with people from different cultures. The sad part is I miss a lot of wonderful sharing homey things like weddings, birthdays, family events and plus not be able to spend my time at my parents and such are the hardest to bare. Truth is from my side of an untold story a lot of effort and more patient from my part can sometimes took a toll on me. I'm approaching tricenarian and with time constraint I'm still not convinced I can bore a baby the way I imagine I can.

I'm not gonna ask why things happen as it is nor do I'll grumble (not that I deserve to complain anyway) about it but from my perspective those things mentioned really do happened for real. To put it mildly, most of the time it's overwhelming. Ask anyone who have been through a PhD, every single one of them have the story of their life. I know for a fact that not only this apply to PhDs like me but to all others who are and have been veiled with hardship not just because they love the successful end product but it's something they just got to do - entrepreneurs, mothers, workers and many other unmentioned. I included this to point out that all these people other than making their parents or themselves proud, in the end say one thing in common - "It's totally worth it". And what they tell could never be a clear measure of what they've been through for sure.

But Allah swt is fair. At the same time with His permission I married the most wonderful man anyone could have asked for at the starting of my hardship. And once in a while I can traveled the world see His treasure to keep me sane. I truly believe He wouldn't give something He knows his creation can't handle them. And maybe something we thought so bad for us can instead be so good and otherwise. He knows the best and He sent this through our parents. If it wasn't for my parents insisting me to do this I wouldn't be here. And it's true what the optimist said (my dad! I just have to say this), it's more than that. At the risk of sounding so full of myself, who would have knew I have this much motivation in me and who knew I'd learn a handful of things in a short span of time. Confidence, communication, critical and analytical thinking, time management, fighting lust and wants and unimportant desires (obviously very very important for a woman like me). For that I thanked Allah swt my glory creator.

The people was right after all, it is the highest level of the education system that one can get. And boy oh boy I do hope the idealist (maybe not significantly but still....) will be right one day.

Insya'Allah.

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